Excerpts from Mr. Notion A Novel I am working on

As he walked into the brightly lighted hallway with all those white walls and no windows, a sense of claustrophobia hit him. The ceiling suddenly seemed very low and closed in on him. The cleanness of everything assaulted him and he almost imagined he was in that dream he had had when he was five and he had almost died, he had woke up in a place like this, although it was a vague memory. The narrowness of the hallway was accentuated by the rows of chairs on both sides of the hall where it seemed no one sat except one lone man at then end of the row on the right side. He hadn’t seen Paul in at least 2 years but he was so easy to recognize with his long flowing robes and that majestic salt and pepper grey hair hanging down almost to his waist, yet tied back by a string of leather. “Paul, dear Paul what are you doing here? I am glad to see you though….” Paul usually smiled and occasionally spoke, this time he nodded assent to Mr. Notion but never actually spoke a word. Paul’s smile was absent today. “We are in for some real troubles in this place, don’t you think?” Henry Notion said. Paul’s heavy brows seemed to be weighted down as he looked at him gravely. Meanwhile Jorge, the orderly who was escorting Notion to his room noticed this comment and how he was staring at something, even turning his head to look at a certain location on in the hallway. He never quite got used to the psychos who were imagining people and things that weren’t there. Suddenly, a shiver went up his spine as he saw something himself. It was a shimmery thing like in that movie Predator. There wasn’t anything there but there was a shimmer of the background right where this man was looking. Jorge said to himself a second later, it must be something to do with the heater and the slightly flickering florescent light which needed to be fixed.

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2 thoughts on “Excerpts from Mr. Notion A Novel I am working on

  1. Hi Cindy,

    This start intrigues me, but it was awkward in a few places. So I edited as if it were my work, and have attached my edit to this e-mail. Your biggest problems are vague pronouns and insufficient paragraphing, especially when changing speakers.

    I would love to see more of this story, although I won’t always have time to suggest edits. This small bite was very manageable, so I tackled it. I also thought suggestions are really value as you’re beginning something to hone in on the problems other eyes see before you’ve written volumes.

    Warm regards, Barbara

    Like

    1. Thanks Barbara, I will look over your attached edits. I know I have much to learn about syntax when writing. I certainly don’t want my awkwardness in writing to get in the way of getting the message across with my writing or detract the reader from getting into the story or the character. I will post another section today. If all you have time to do is read and acknowledge with a comment that you saw it, this would be just great.

      Like

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